First, all your bodily wastes and fluids go into the white porcelain things. They are called toilets. They use complex hydrodynamics designed to carry those wastes away without contaminating everything around them.

Places your wastes do not belong: The floor, the toilet seat, urinal stall walls, (and lord I should not have to say this) the trash can. If you are putting your wastes into or onto one of these other things, then you are not using the toilet correctly. Perhaps a refresher course is in order.

Most of the offices in our building do not have private restrooms. So, when you are pissed at your attorney, and decide the way to get back at him is to spread feces all over the toilet next to his office, be aware that people other than your attorney will have to deal with it. You are far better off spreading your feces on his car, if feces spreading you must do. Or, keep your pants on and just slash his tires.

Don't talk to me when you drop trou in the stall next to me. Please. I don't know you, and I am in the middle of evacuating my bowels, a very private experience. I don't want to know why you are in the building, what interesting thing you read in the paper, or what the weather outside is like. I just want to shit in peace. If you need toilet paper, that's different, I am more than happy to help out. But please, god, do not begin a conversation that will be periodically punctuated by grunting and explosive flatulence. It wouldn't be cool out in the hallway, it's not cool in the bathroom either.

Wash your hands. I mean, how hard is it? As you come out of the toilet section of the restroom, you are forced to pass by all the sinks on your way out. There is a reason for that. It is generally accepted that civilized human beings will want to wash the poop and pee off their hands before reentering society. No one you know wants you touching them or their stuff with crap or urine on your hands. The only reason they don't recoil in horror when you shake their hand is because they didn't see you take a long leisurely crap, then walk out of the bathroom only pausing long enough to run one feces infected hand through your hair while looking in the mirror. What are you thinking? "Hmmmm.... white porcelain things. Wonder what those are for? Hey! A mirror! Damn... I look good!"

Next time, hallway ettiquette.